GRRRRR to wimpy parents!

Virtue Alert

By: Vicki Courtney

October 27, 2006

Not a day goes by that I don’t receive notification in my inbox of the fallout from today’s teen culture. That’s what you get when you set google alerts to key phrases like “new study teens,” “teens social networking sites,” “teens myspace,” “teens faith,” and “teens media influences.” If you’re not aware of how google alerts work, it basically tracks any article on the World Wide Web that uses any of the combination of words that you submit and dumps the links to the articles right into your inbox every morning. I am an admitted news junkie which basically means I am not satisfied reading just the local newspaper along with my morning cup of coffee. In order to speak and write on teen culture, I must stay in the trenches of teen culture. Unfortunately, this can leave me rather grumpy on some mornings. Like today. I was on my second cup of coffee when I clicked through on a “google alert” link to an article entitled, “Parents should monitor what their kids are doing online.” Duh, I thought, tell me something new. I won’t bore you by quoting snippet after snippet from the article, but suffice it to say that the overall gist of the article is that parents should monitor what their kids are doing online. It emphasized the importance of parents accessing their teens’ MySpace and Facebook pages on a consistent basis. Finally, someone is speaking my language.

It brought me some relief to know that I am not a “stalker mom” if I spot check my kid’s MySpace and Facebook pages. I know when they upload new pictures, add new quotes, or post comments on someone else’s page or wall. I know who is contacting my child and what they are saying to my child. I know the MySpace and Facebook groups my kids have joined and the political causes they are interested in. I know their favorite books, movies, music artists, TV shows, and their list of heroes. Just yesterday, I was thrilled to see that my son who is away at college has listed “God” at the top of his list of interests (following close behind is Auburn football and The Astros). He also added “Pro-life” to his “campaign issues,” and “Mere Christianity” as a favorite book. Now, before you think he is perfect, know that he also has some pretty random information on his page. His profile picture is of Dwight Shrute from the hit show, The Office. His list of the Facebook groups (started by fellow Facebookers) provides me a rare window into his soul. It ranges from the serious (Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Auburn Christians) to the absurd (Animals Were Made for Eating, I Laughed at the Crying OU Boy). The last one was probably lost on you unless you are a hardcore UT football fan. I should also say that in addition to listing “Pro-life” as a campaign issue, he also lists “Strengthen our defense against impending zombie attacks.” For those of you who have never been on one of these sites and think this might be a warning flag that my boy needs some serious therapy, trust me, it’s just a Facebook thing.

Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, I know my children better than I ever thought possible. If the sites are used safely and responsibly, these sites can help our children express their identity and be a shining light for Christ in an oftentimes, place of darkness. And for that, I am grateful. Not to mention, I am most grateful that they have afforded me the ability to stay plugged into my teens’ lives. If they are involved in dangerous behaviors that require parent intervention, I will be among the first to know.

So, as I had my cup of coffee and read this informative article encouraging parents to monitor what their kids are doing online, I prayed that other parents would heed the advice. For the life of me, I do not understand why a parent would not monitor what their kids are doing online. Just this past month, while in the process of researching for a book I am writing that deals with “parenting the super-connector generation,” I have read about an upcoming “Beer Pong Party” hosted by a student at my daughter’s school. It lists the date, address, and even a list of students who have rsvp’d. It’s all right there for anyone to see, including good ol’ mom or dad…if they care. I have viewed photos on other kids’ pages that show teens from my daughter’s high school drinking vodka from the bottle, taking shots in a drinking game, passing a joint, and throwing up over a toilet. I saw a picture of several popular girls posing seductively with their blouses unbuttoned, exposing their pretty Victoria’s Secret bras and cleavage. Nice. And just this past week, I stumbled upon a group a guy had set up in an effort to sabotage a certain girl’s reputation. He posted the girl’s picture (lifted straight from her own Facebook page) and listed guys she has “supposedly” slept with. Perhaps, most disturbing was the fact that over 100 students from my daughter’s high school had joined the group within 24 hours in support of further bashing this girl’s reputation.

Parents, I am pleading with you to monitor what your kids are doing online. You can’t afford not to. And I’m not just talking about checking the history of where they’ve been. I’m talking about taking the extra step and installing monitoring software that tracks their every keystroke and sends a record of their activity straight to your inbox. You don’t have to read every report, but at least spot check their activity on a weekly basis. I won’t lie to you—it’s time consuming, and you will have to spend some time on the front end learning how it works. Further, you can expect your kids to harass you about it. I have been called “annoying,” “stalker,” and my all time favorite, “Big Mother,” (from a Fox News interview where the host jokingly compared me to Big Brother). Don’t believe the lie coming from the wimpy parent camp that says you are “invading your child’s privacy.” It’s called “being a parent!”

Wouldn’t you want to know if your child was attending a party like the ones I described above? Wouldn’t you want to know if your child was binge drinking on the weekends? Wouldn’t you want to know if your child was endangering the lives of others (or themselves) when they leave these parties and get in their car? Wouldn’t you want to know if your daughter was baring her cleavage on the World Wide Web? Wouldn’t you want to know if your child was the victim of cyber-bullying or for that matter, the cyber bully? Wouldn’t you want to know if your child had joined Facebook groups like “drink all you can because when you’re older it’s called being an alcoholic” or “I’m not a slut, I’m just sexually popular?” Wouldn’t you want to know if your child’s friends were engaged in dangerous behaviors so you could step in and help your child find a new peer group? I would, and I’m betting that those of you reading this would also want to know. Why else would you sign up for a “Virtue Alert?” You fall into the category of caring parents and like me, you are likely fed up and disgusted by the proliferation of wimpy parents run amuck. I’m going to go a step further here and make the assumption that if you are not currently monitoring your children’s online activity with a monitoring software it’s only because: a) your children are still young b) you were unaware of the magnitude of the problem or c) you are somewhat aware, but you have no idea where to start to tackle the problem. Monitoring software is the solution! If you have a child in middle school or high school, now is the time to install it. Even if your child does not participate in the sites above, it will help you stay in tune to what they are up against and what their friends are like.

In order to further clarify what constitutes a “wimpy parent,” let me give you some real-life examples from my “Wimpy Parents” list. Who’s on it, you may wonder? Let’s start with:

The mom I spotted in the background of a picture where minors where drinking alcohol. If I find out who you are, I will report you. Also, you should know that I saved a screenshot of the picture to my hard drive so I can back it up with proof if need be. I’m guessing you’re one of those “cool parents” who has subscribed to the lame parenting philosophy that says, “Well, if they are going to drink, I would rather them drink at home.”
The dad who after being tipped off by his daughter’s cheer coach that his daughter was spotted in a Facebook picture holding a joint at a concert, blasted the coach and accused her of stalking the girls on the cheer squad.
The mom who recently told me that she doesn’t have time to learn how to spot check her daughter’s MySpace and Facebook pages and then followed with, “I’m not worried. She’s a good girl.” Hmmm… you might come to a different conclusion if you saw her page!
Any parent who is allowing their child to attend the “Backyard Campout” on homecoming night at my daughter’s school. No explanation necessary, but here’s a hint as to why you make the list: Teenage boys + teenage girls + all night sleepover + tents in a backyard + raging hormones = DISASTER.
The mother who recently told me that monitoring software would “invade her child’s privacy.” Really? Why don’t you tell that one to the 750,000+ sexual predators on the web who are also invading your child’s privacy?
The mother who worked up the nerve to check her daughter’s page and confronted her daughter about what she found, but then APOLOGIZED to her and begged her forgiveness after her daughter refused to speak to her for three days. Oh my, I am experiencing a rare speechless moment.

Trust me, this is only a sampling. I am burdened by what I see shaking down on these sites and I feel helpless. Sometimes, I tip off parents (if I know them) and other times, I send up a flare prayer. If I were to act on every disturbing comment, picture, and party in the making, I would have time for nothing else. It would consume every moment of every day, and I doubt I would even begin to make a dent into the problem. I traded in my Policeman’s badge long ago for this keyboard. And that’s where you come in. You can help me spread the word to parents that it is irresponsible not to monitor what your kids are doing online. At the bottom of this article is a link to the monitoring software I have installed on my home computers. If you don’t have it, get it or a program like it. And then do me a favor and email this alert to every parent of a tween or teen in your address book. For those of you mothers who are in the Austin area and have teenage daughters, I will be speaking on this subject at the Yada Yada event (www.virtuousreality.com/events) for mothers and teen girls on November 3-4, 2006. It’s exhausting to be a parent—I’m glad you’re on the journey with me!